Going for SWPL Gold
Here’s something that will never happen: a man who writes for the prestige press compiling a list of the athletes that his future wife should, in theory, worry he’ll run off with. Instead, because within SWPL circles the expression of any sort of masculine desire is a big no-no, we get turd pieces like the one from Chauncey Hollingsworth – fiancee of a Jezebel writer who stirred the pot by paying homage to Ryan Lochte.
Hollingsworth, who is a prime candidate for Bill Simmons’ Reggie Cleveland All-Stars, provides a list of five Olympians besides Lochte that he figures pose a huge threat to his relationship. Here are some of his self-deprecatory comments. In case you missed it in the piece, Hollingsworth has a paunch.
- For an average guy with bad eyes, bookkeeper arms, and a bit of a paunch, these are the Olympians who really scare me
- And he can cover 100 meters in the time it takes me to lace my shoes.
- He’s pure class—and you just can’t compete against that.
- It’s all I can do to rouse myself in the morning for a three-mile run, the minimum exercise necessary to keep me from looking like an adult toddler.
- While I inspire passersby to grimace uncomfortably as I huff and puff my way up moderate inclines, Pistorius inspires entire generations.
- While the rest of us wear special-sauce-stained t-shirts under our button-downs to disguise our bellies as they pooch out over our beltlines
- The prospect of being his first must be overwhelming…which is why my wife-to-be must never meet this guy.
- Just her punk shock of white blonde hair is cooler than my entire wardrobe.
- Rapinoe’s been dating the same Aussie soccer-player girlfriend for the last three years, showing that she’s serious both on and off the field
The author hammers home his SWPL cred by tucking a woman into the mix there at the end. He just seamlessly expresses his fear that a woman would snatch his girlfriend. We’re not supposed to think this odd. That would be uncivilized or something.
While I excoriate this man for supplicating himself, the response will be interesting because it undermines the initial point of his fiancee’s piece. The reasons that a man’s fiancee should fear his strong attraction to a female Olympian would be entirely flesh-related. No explanation needed.