G.L.Piggy [at] gmail.com
Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
I’ve sampled what I think are the most telling bits of this sex diary published at New York Magazine. The diarist is female, 22, bisexual, in an open relationship, and has been engaged for two years:
11 a.m. I wake up next to my fiancé. After five years together (we got engaged two years ago), sleeping with him is second nature. Awful night of sleep, but it’s nice to wake up next to someone you care about.
12:30 p.m. Being a sweet guy, the fiancé runs out to get me a morning Starbucks treat. Doing things like this makes me remember why I love him all over again. After his nice gesture, I press myself against him and slide my hands under his shirt. It leads to an hour of mutual masturbation while we exchange naughty, arousing ideas about things we want to do. Orgasms had by all.
She gets a text from The Capricorn who is not a serial killer but is instead this woman’s side piece:
6:15 p.m. My fiancé seems a bit hesitant about my plans for the night. I curl up with him on the couch, and we talk about how important our relationship is, and how my relationships [ed: important word choice] with others are unique from what we have. After I’m sure he’s feeling better and he’s okay, I head out the door, a bit early, to the Capricorn’s place.
The Capricorn (remember that discussion about nicknames for guys), seems interested in the sex but aloof about getting it.
6:45 p.m. Yep. Early. Knock on his door. No answer. It’s frigid out, and I pace back and forth. Send a text message, too. Slightly annoyed.
6:55 p.m. The Capricorn answers the door dripping wet and wearing only a towel. I get briefly chewed out about showing up early. I resist pointing out the idea that he should just be ready earlier.
1 a.m. We lay around and talk about fond memories from when we were younger. The entire thing makes me smile, and I don’t want to leave. If the fiancé weren’t home, I’d fall asleep here. But I get up and get dressed.
1:35 a.m. When I get home, the fiancé is crabby because he’s tired and wants to go to sleep. He falls asleep within seconds of curling into the blankets against me.
Infantilization and mockery, but that’s the life the fiance chose to lead.
4 p.m. After waiting all day for him to text me while I was at work, I decide that’s totally pathetic, and I text the Capricorn. We make plans to hang out that night. Around “6-ish.”
5:30 p.m. Officially decide I hate “six-ish.” Does that mean 5:45? Or 6:15? I decide to be ready early since he won’t let me live it down if I’m not dressed after how I treated him a couple days ago.
9 a.m. Within ten minutes of waking up, he’s out the door.
5 p.m. After working all day, I’m ready to do something fun. I invite the Capricorn out on a walk at the local park. He declines, saying he’s busy.
6:40 p.m. Within ten minutes of walking back into my apartment, he texts me asking if I want some doughnuts. So much for his busy schedule. We hit up the local doughnut shop. He takes me back to his workplace, and I get the chance to see his office and get a mini-tour. When he drops me off, we make plans for tomorrow.
11:30 p.m. With him next to me, I decide to tell him what’s been on my mind for the past two weeks. After stalling because I’m afraid of his reaction, I tell him that I love him. The Capricorn seems very happy by my admission and tells me I was silly for being worried. I don’t have plans, as of yet, to tell my fiancé that I love the Capricorn. It’s confusing, and I’m trying to work out the feelings on my own before I tell my fiancé about most of it to avoid hurting him unnecessarily.
Many commenters on the piece noticed the same thing I did: this is ‘backdoor cuckoldry‘. This Capricorn fellow gets all the glory including not having to do domestic duties for this headcase chick and also gets the stormy end of her libido without any of the cleanup work. The fiance gets a handjob and some cuddle time and gets to look for adequate apartment space. Fun, fun, fun. Who do you think sold the idea of the open relationship? Probably the one writing in her diary.
Not all open relationships are female dominated, it’s just that when there is an asymmetric desire to live that lifestyle – when one partner just isn’t as into it – the man is the one sacrificing the most.
Robin Hanson noted that the focus of swinging – a particular type of open relationship – has shifted over time away from men towards women. It used to be that swinger couples sought to add on single women. Nowadays, couples opt for single males, other couples, or groups of males.