I’ve sampled what I think are the most telling bits of this sex diary published at New York Magazine. The diarist is female, 22, bisexual, in an open relationship, and has been engaged for two years:
11 a.m. I wake up next to my fiancé. After five years together (we got engaged two years ago), sleeping with him is second nature. Awful night of sleep, but it’s nice to wake up next to someone you care about.
12:30 p.m. Being a sweet guy, the fiancé runs out to get me a morning Starbucks treat. Doing things like this makes me remember why I love him all over again. After his nice gesture, I press myself against him and slide my hands under his shirt. It leads to an hour of mutual masturbation while we exchange naughty, arousing ideas about things we want to do. Orgasms had by all.
She gets a text from The Capricorn who is not a serial killer but is instead this woman’s side piece:
6:15 p.m. My fiancé seems a bit hesitant about my plans for the night. I curl up with him on the couch, and we talk about how important our relationship is, and how my relationships [ed: important word choice] with others are unique from what we have. After I’m sure he’s feeling better and he’s okay, I head out the door, a bit early, to the Capricorn’s place.
The Capricorn (remember that discussion about nicknames for guys), seems interested in the sex but aloof about getting it.
6:45 p.m. Yep. Early. Knock on his door. No answer. It’s frigid out, and I pace back and forth. Send a text message, too. Slightly annoyed.
6:55 p.m. The Capricorn answers the door dripping wet and wearing only a towel. I get briefly chewed out about showing up early. I resist pointing out the idea that he should just be ready earlier.
…
1 a.m. We lay around and talk about fond memories from when we were younger. The entire thing makes me smile, and I don’t want to leave. If the fiancé weren’t home, I’d fall asleep here. But I get up and get dressed.
1:35 a.m. When I get home, the fiancé is crabby because he’s tired and wants to go to sleep. He falls asleep within seconds of curling into the blankets against me.
Infantilization and mockery, but that’s the life the fiance chose to lead.
4 p.m. After waiting all day for him to text me while I was at work, I decide that’s totally pathetic, and I text the Capricorn. We make plans to hang out that night. Around “6-ish.”
5:30 p.m. Officially decide I hate “six-ish.” Does that mean 5:45? Or 6:15? I decide to be ready early since he won’t let me live it down if I’m not dressed after how I treated him a couple days ago.
…
9 a.m. Within ten minutes of waking up, he’s out the door.
5 p.m. After working all day, I’m ready to do something fun. I invite the Capricorn out on a walk at the local park. He declines, saying he’s busy.
6:40 p.m. Within ten minutes of walking back into my apartment, he texts me asking if I want some doughnuts. So much for his busy schedule. We hit up the local doughnut shop. He takes me back to his workplace, and I get the chance to see his office and get a mini-tour. When he drops me off, we make plans for tomorrow.
11:30 p.m. With him next to me, I decide to tell him what’s been on my mind for the past two weeks. After stalling because I’m afraid of his reaction, I tell him that I love him. The Capricorn seems very happy by my admission and tells me I was silly for being worried. I don’t have plans, as of yet, to tell my fiancé that I love the Capricorn. It’s confusing, and I’m trying to work out the feelings on my own before I tell my fiancé about most of it to avoid hurting him unnecessarily.
Many commenters on the piece noticed the same thing I did: this is ‘backdoor cuckoldry‘. This Capricorn fellow gets all the glory including not having to do domestic duties for this headcase chick and also gets the stormy end of her libido without any of the cleanup work. The fiance gets a handjob and some cuddle time and gets to look for adequate apartment space. Fun, fun, fun. Who do you think sold the idea of the open relationship? Probably the one writing in her diary.
Not all open relationships are female dominated, it’s just that when there is an asymmetric desire to live that lifestyle – when one partner just isn’t as into it – the man is the one sacrificing the most.
Robin Hanson noted that the focus of swinging – a particular type of open relationship – has shifted over time away from men towards women. It used to be that swinger couples sought to add on single women. Nowadays, couples opt for single males, other couples, or groups of males.
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It’s always amazing to me that people like this exist and that they end up shocked at what their behavior leads to.
Yet more absolute confirmation as to how female attraction works, how “love” operates in concert with hypergamy, and an object lesson to the men who are paying attention as to what to avoid.
I often wonder at the female ability to be so tragically unaware of their own attraction mechanisms. And how this has to be by design.
And the guy in the”relationship” has to know he’s a distant #2. But don’t discount him; he may be in it for more reasons than shown. And his personal plans (I would hope) may not be as clueless and innocent as they seem.
Though the whole fiance thing is F*&^%!! three ways to tuesday.
We truly have unleashed a beast.
I almost feel sorry for the chump fiancé, but it’s very obviously his fault.
I mean, seriously, why would you marry a woman who’s already sleeping around on you in the current legal regime? These are easy mistakes to avoid, if you just step back and think about what you’re doing.
Good grief.
Gosh, how depressing. I wish I hadn’t read this (although good analysis as usual).
I bet she’s a Jewess. It IS New York, after all. Think we can talk the North Koreans into nuking Manhattan?
Forty years ago the slogan “baby, you can have it all” meant that a woman can have a family and a career. Today it means that she can have alpha fux and beta bux (or at least Starbucks treats).
She’s be doing her finace a favor by dumping him. My guess is her reluctance to tell him it’s over, is not so much that she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, it’s that she’s not sure she wants to let him go. If he finds another woman, it’s unlikely she’ll get him back. He is providing something for her, although it’s clearly not passion and love.
“arousing ideas about things we want to do”
And let me guess, these things don’t involve your finace.
“I bet she’s a Jewess. It IS New York, after all. Think we can talk the North Koreans into nuking Manhattan?”
How many Jews could there be in rural Iowa, you obelisk of brilliance?
this sort of thing is a real danger for (not particularly alpha)men who try to convince their wives to “swing” in the hopes of getting only MFF threeways that benefit mostly him. this is the only “swinging” a man should allow. anything not explicitly controlled by and dominated by men for the interests of men will inevitably be turned to benefit women.
first of all, attractive, single women who are willing to bang you and your wife and then just go away are rare as hen’s teeth unless your willing to pay, they are highly sought after by the most attractive couples and can pick and choose at will. also, most wives demand MMFF or an MMF in “fairness”. once a woman gets a taste of the attention whoring possibilities of swinging, the focus often shifts from the man’s fantasy of conquering multiple women to the woman being the center of the action. suddenly, your harem fantasy has transmuted into hers and your just the guy holding the camera in the cuck porn video.
“I’m trying to work out the feelings on my own”
There has never been a more useless phrase, you hear young people use it all the time. I think it means political correctness says I should feel one way, but I feel another way, so I need to get the hamster running to come up with a way to justify my feelings.
It’s encouraging seeing many if the comments disparaging her (though many in a passive-agressive way). Tells me all is not lost. Had this diary been on Jezebel there would have been a lot of “you go girl” stuff going on.
Please note the timeline. She’s 22 and has been with her fiance for 5 years (in other words, since she was 17 years old). Two years ago — at the age of 20 — they became engaged. Who the hell — even in “rural Iowa” — gets engaged at age 20? The whole thing sounds contrived. If she’s living in rural Iowa, why is there a woman’s shelter “downtown?” Rural doesn’t mean small or medium sized town. Rural means rural.
Anyway, if any of this is real, the fiance is obvioulsy a security blanket. I think it does tell us something about women’s fantasies, which often revolve aroung being the object of everyone’s sexual attention.
I spent a good chunk of my 20s being ‘The Capricorn.’ In retrospect, both he and The Fiance are pathetic for cutting themselves short. The Fiance’s actually more noble in moments —– save his knowing and putting up with the ‘open relationship,’ that is.
Why is she even still with the fiance in the first place? It doesn’t really say, but does anybody want to bet he has money and Capricorn doesn’t?
This Capricorn fellow gets all the glory including not having to do domestic duties for this headcase chick and also gets the stormy end of her libido without any of the cleanup work. The fiance gets a handjob and some cuddle time and gets to look for adequate apartment space.
Funny stuff, Old man.
nikcrit:
i don’t see any place where the fiance is noble in any way. Capricorn isn’t really pathetic. he’s just accepting this woman’s desire to be with him. she’s coming to him, why would he resist? there isn’t a whole lot of information given about him, but it is the two people in the couple who are pathetic. they seem to be lying to themselves about several different things.
amazing how differently by her own admission she views and acts around each man. she self censors with her not fiance/lover, but sends out the fiance to get coffee. linked this up over at my blog btw, thanks.
This is usually the case.
When I was 16 I banged this women in the backseat of her car while her husband drove us around. I asked when they’ll be finding a nice young girl and she’ll return the favor. “Never.”
pathetic
think twice, in using this word
the derivation is pathos
We are circling the drain. “Rights” anyone?
futuradellnazione said: “I bet she’s a Jewess. It IS New York, after all. Think we can talk the North Koreans into nuking Manhattan?”
How many non-Orthodox Jews do you know who were engaged at 20? How many Jews do you know from rural Iowa?
CR: “but it is the two people in the couple who are pathetic. they seem to be lying to themselves about several different things.”
yeah, that’s what I meant; wasn’t really moralizing heavily —– just noting the sort-of emptiness informing the whole affair…. re. Capricorn; I recall a few interludes in my 20s where I’d casually cavort with a few women who I knew had steady men, usually older and not as sexually ‘valuable’ on the open market in comparison to the women …. that’s dangerously close to ‘sugarddy status,’ eh?”
“Jewesses” and the Chinese for that matter marry well and monogamously. Two cultures that thrive and accept social darwinism’s realities.
I see two winners here. The first (obviously) is Capricorn. The second – to a lesser degree – is the woman in the middle. She’s trading up without trading out domestic benefits. The sympathy for the cuckold is worthless (indeed all sympathy) and empathy betrays sexual failures.
It’s a mistake to assume that cuckoldry of this sort means the downfall of civilization. True intellectual juggernauts of men do what they want in the 21st century as much as strong men in ancient times. Cuckoldry that eliminates domesticity, nice-guyism, average joes, and try hards is simply a natural response to their muted purpose.
This is the flaw with alt-right. They assume that their agrarian good naturedness is necessary for a functioning society. The reason why the white working class is disappearing and the minoritied working class is either underground or in prison is because there is no need for a working class any more. The world belongs to those who can best figure out how to grease the machines of production and war. The rest are either good at sex or redundancies.
I never considered swinging a threesome. I always associated it with wife-sharing or husband-trading where two couples (usually in their late 30′s to mid 50′s) would swap partners for a night or with large parties where there was an element of randomness to who was sleeping with whom. Polyamory de jure means multiple lovers, but appears de facto as a PC term for cuckoldry.
Chances are she talked him into this during a time when he was still getting good regular sex from her, and he imagined that he might now be able to get that from other girls as well. Instead, she gets to have a blast while he’s struggling to get much of anything now, even from his fiance.
Unless a guy is very alpha (e.g., Hulk Hogan had an open marriage for many years) an arrangement like this is almost always going to favor the female, because it’s much easier for most women to find willing partners for casual sex than it is for most men.
Agree with Chuck here, it’s pretty pathetic in any case. Hopefully the fiance will call off the wedding and leave before she gets pregnant.
“How many non-Orthodox Jews do you know who were engaged at 20? How many Jews do you know from rural Iowa?”
In this case, I suspect “Engaged” is an ironic, hipster “stance,” like being “vegan.” Obviously it means about that much to her. I would not be surprised to find out this girl is in The Tribe. And what the fuck is it with “sophisticated” people and their nastiness about rural Iowa? Ironically, Iowa has drawn more than it’s share of Jewish ire:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/campus-overload/post/some-appalled-iowans-want-journalism-professor-stephen-bloom-fired/2012/01/05/gIQAV5q0cP_blog.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postville_Raid
Oh…I get it. You think this is actually based on a person from rural Iowa. In New York magazine. HAHAHAHAHA! Oy vey!
future:
i don’t see why someone would lie about living in iowa. something like this occurs all over the place, and it’s not rare or surprising. since iowa has little relevance to the events of the story, i’d assume that it did happen in iowa.
I have to agree it’s funny how much people hate on Iowa but the coasts hate on the Midwest in general. US Chicagoans (Hi nikrit!) usually get a pass but the extent at which the coasts hate on flyover culture is borderline insane. Iowa is actually alright and the University of Iowa has an awesome campus but everywhere I’ve been there smells like cow shit. Iowa is one of the happier states
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2293380/Americas-sadness-belt-Alarming-map-shows-residents-South-Midwest-far-likely-depressed-obese-hate-job-states.html
The whole thing sounds realistic if in NY but this does smell like a female fantasy that our media wants women to think is normal and doable. In fifteen years when she’s alone and can’t pair bond with anyone, she’ll take comfort in articles instructing men to man up and marry her leftover ass.
I was teaching a course for professionals in the late 90s and one of my studnts – a Japanese surgeon – mentioned something about doing his residency in Iowa, which he then followed by a snicker and a condescending comment about Iowans. The state gets no respect.
Oh Jesus. I don’t think a person would lie about living in Iowa. I’m postulating, however paranoid it may sound, that this character isn’t from rural Iowa and doesn’t live there. If such a being exists, it sounds the bizarre perversions that run rampant in Jew York among the self-absorbed hipsters. Hence the publication.
I’m inclined to agree with future on this one. It seems unlikely New York magazine would be willing to publish a story from a gentile.
GreatBooksforMen summed this up handily over at Heartiste about a thousand times. To quote the master:
Alpha fucks and Beta bucks.
This is the new way of things.
Not that Iowa farm girls won’t cheat, all women will.
I keep forgetting that the Internet is often the enemy of the subtle–and increasingly the not-so-subtle–implication. So I’ll just come out and say that I think “Rachel” is either making this crap up or using her yenta friends as story-fodder. NOW am I clear?
RE: flyover country:
Many of you coastal hipsters don’t know what you’re missing; as I type this from the top floor of a fifth-floor h.s. library office, I’m looking upon a south-shore neighborhood, with the Lake Michigan coastline seven blocks away and brilliantly blue on this clear, sunny day; row-upon-row of five-bedroom houses —— about $250,000 on the shoreline and a $175,000 or less a few blocks in; breaking up their rows are a fine if not internationally sophicasted array of bars, delis, galleries, etc.
The charms of medium-to-big size America, metro population 1.8 million; and if you desire a international array of food, trends and prices? Hey, The Loop is 65 minutes away!
Third Coast Living Rules!!!
(Sorry C.R. for going off-topic).
Not sure why people are thinking this kind of thing can’t happen in rural Iowa. I live in a small town in a red state and I hear rumors about this kind of thing from time to time. Not saying that it’s rampant or whatever, but it’s certainly not unheard of.
Women are the same everywhere. Men are too. Women will want their alpha fucks and beta bucks, and they will seek men who will provide one or the other – or (ideally) both if it’s a stable monogamous relationship.
University of Iowa has one of the best, if not the best, creative writing programs in the US. It’s writers workshop includes alumni like Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Philip Roth, and John Cheever. Keep that in mind when you consider that this graduate student might be writing this article not as prose, but fiction. Also, many Big 10 university towns have women’s shelters. They are the “big cities” of the midwest.
future, Lara:
i don’t understand the incessant obsession with Jews in general but also on this particular topic. if you see one of the links in my post on this, i wrote about a couple of non-Jewish female co-workers who swung.
and future, you’re maybe placing too much focus on “rural” here. Iowa in general is considered a rural state – even Des Moines and such are relatively rural.
“Not sure why people are thinking this kind of thing can’t happen in rural Iowa. I live in a small town in a red state and I hear rumors about this kind of thing from time to time. Not saying that it’s rampant or whatever, but it’s certainly not unheard of. “
This is very true but often overlooked in the heat of commenting; I mean, I’ve fairly familiar with both big cities and smaller ones, and in today’s one-size-fits-all media-access world, the bigger cities are more similiar than they ever were before, and modern pathologies are damn near as metropolitan as they are provincial nowadays.
I mean, Springer, Dr. Oz and Wendy Williams Show runs iin New York as well as in Waterloo, Iowa.
future can’t own up to the fact that he didn’t read the article and just assumed the diarist is from NY. So he’ll just keep digging that whole deeper. What a female trait.
And Lara. Well, she’s just Lara.
Chuck,
I thought publications like New York magazine are generally written by Jews, about Jews, for Jews. That’s really all I was agreeing with.
C.R.:
Personal prejudice on my part, admittedly. I see “swinging” as another word for “agreed-to infidelity” which is another word for “perversion” which is another word for “anti-family” which, in my atavistic eyes is synonymous with “Marxism” which usually means JEWS. As Prince sang: “Maybe I’m just like my mother.”
People are degenerate in small town USA. This story is no shocker for Iowa or any other midwest state. The effects of the brain drain over the generations to big cities has left the good ole rural folk as dysgenic as any other population. Where do you think Juggalos come from?
If the author is going to indirectly brag about how sexy and attractive she is, she should at least include a picture of some sort.
This thread makes me wish we were being swamped by a tide of Islamic immigrants, instead of Mexican immigrants.
I know Islamic countries still have sexual perversion, but it’s usually less pathetic than this.
I’ll take alpha-slut-beta triangles over boy-rape.
American women suck. Don’t get engaged to one. full stop.
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I always believed that women looked for their next ship to jump to before their last one sank. However if the new ship isn’t taking on any new passengers and the old one isn’t sinking, the woman can go back and forth as she pleases. It’s only when the old ship sinks that she must try to latch onto the new ship, which in this case doesn’t seem to want her in that way.
“Not all open relationships are female dominated, it’s just that when there is an asymmetric desire to live that lifestyle – when one partner just isn’t as into it – the man is the one sacrificing the most.”
Nope. When one partner isn’t as into it, it’s that partner, man or woman, who gets the short end of the stick. I’ve been the man in that sort of relationship, when my wife wasn’t as into it, and I was *not* “sacrificing the most”.
Based just on the excerpts, I’d guess that the fiance doesn’t have a regular secondary partner. That’s a really crappy situation to be in, especially when one’s partner has found something serious. If fiance doesn’t find himself a girlfriend, or Capricorn gets tired of her, soon, that relationship is going to blow up.
“I get briefly chewed out about showing up early. I resist pointing out the idea that he should just be ready earlier.”
The Capricorn will dump this woman soon enough. What man wants his lover to come to his apartment sooner than expected?
I was teaching a course for professionals in the late 90s and one of my studnts – a Japanese surgeon – mentioned something about doing his residency in Iowa.
This country should not give residency placements to foreigners.
Iowa gets no respect. I remember the classic story about the guy who told a middle aged New York City woman that he was going to Iowa. She replied,helpfully. “Here we pronounce it Ohio.”
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